no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
