we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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