Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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