She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
