i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.