I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.