i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
