i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We need a shit load of segways right now
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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