So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
