plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
