shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
