Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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