Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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