For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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