I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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