I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
