Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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