so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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