remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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