Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
