Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
