I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
