My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He shit in the fireplace
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
