we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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