I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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