He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
