Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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