I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
