I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
