Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I need to calm my uterus...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
God, I missed his penis.
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