i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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