READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
