I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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