Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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