I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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