If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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