probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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