First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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