Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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