oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
