You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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