Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
