I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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