Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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