I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
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i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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