Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
