oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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