remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
