i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
