Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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