a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You left your phone here
Wait...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
