were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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