We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
